It’s been a long time since I was in a season of my life where I was dating. But so many of my incredible friends are—and, assessing from questions I get on Instagram, it seems like many of you are, too. Someone asked me recently how to know whether someone is “husband material.” To the extent that someone outside yourself can answer that, these are my criteria:
1. Is he my best friend? 2. Does he calm down my nervous system? 3. Do I always think he’s the smartest guy in the room? 4. Do we have good chemistry? 5. Does he like oysters?
I owe clarity around the second point to holistic dating coach Amy Nobile Messing. We talked on The goop Podcast about how we are primed to believe we must feel butterflies upon meeting a potential partner. But often what underlies that sensation is a heightened nervous system—and that there is some familiar yet unhelpful pattern or characteristic that is triggering us. Amy suggests you turn inward and listen closely to yourself in these moments. And: that you try not to prematurely discount or push away the person who has a soothing effect on you. As it turns out, this was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.
We asked Amy to share her full guide to first dates below.